The Struggle ends when Gratitude begins

May 11, 2017, 8:07am: [My usual morning after thoughts after a long Wednesday margarita night]

Drinking kills your spirit.

Drinking has put my spirit in a coma. 

I drink for fun. But I don’t depend on drinking to have fun.

I get flirty when I drink.

I have made mistakes by doing that. 

Last night I let Jaxson (some guy I’ve only met twice) lick the salt off my finger. 

I got called out on it.

It was semi-embarrassing.

I tried to deny it.

My friends didn’t like that.

They said, “What about Tom? What will Tom think?”

They think I am sleazy, I am trying to not care.

I feel so down on myself. 

I am naturally flirty, drinking just heightens the experience by 10X.

Jaxson unfriended me from the social media platform, Snapchat. 

I am sure that was the talk of the night. Hopefully a short lived one.

I feel embarrassed now. I had three margaritas. 

I asked Kathy and Luke this morning why would he unfriend me and dumped that issue on them. 

But then quickly replied that I didn’t actually care. 

I feel dumb for texting Luke that question.

Why do I feel like I made a huge mistake?

I feel embarrassed.

They do not play with sleazy people.

There’s no room for that in this group.

But, I am not trying to be sleazy. I was harmlessly flirting. 

They are good people. Should I be thankful they called me out?! 

Jaxson called me out and so did his roommate, Raul, and his brother, Will. 

It was so stupid how Raul blew it way out of proportion. 

I feel stupid. 

SIGH.

I am sitting at my desk typing away. 

To make myself look busy, especially when I don’t have enough work to do.

God. 

Drinking is no fun.

Maybe I should just go sober. I can’t keep up with all these other 20somethings.

I guess it’s time for a new friend group?

What’s wrong with me?

What’s my problem????????????????

Why am I feeling like I am slowly going downward?

I don’t know what I want to do.

I am feeling very upset.

I also don’t like how Kathy has to be involved. I want my OWN friends. 

I need a new friend group. 

I need older friends. Where do I find them?

I fucking hate that alcohol is a depressant. It makes you act like a fool

and you may live to regret it.

Drugs and Alcohol are so stupid. 

Why do they even exist? 

I think it was put on this earth for people to learn from it. 

I am glad I asked Luke afterall, he said that I should bring it up to Jaxson, so I did.

And if Jaxson doesn’t reply, then I know it’s nothing to take personally.
Back to what I was saying, I think drugs and alcohol are put on this earth for certain people to learn from. They chose this path in a way when they were born, their souls knew what the outcome was going to be, they were signing up to use, abuse and die. Their lesson they’re being taught is to overcome this powerful negative (drugs/alcohol) and if they cannot, they die, and have to re-start all over in the next life.

Luke is such a good friend, he sent me a quote, “The Struggle ends when Gratitude beings”. That was nice. 
I am being a little overdramatic right now. And my life is STELLAR. 

I have great friends,

I have a job, 

I have a great mission in life 

I have motivation

I have a cell phone

I have a stellar family

Speaking of family, I told Tom that we need to take a break. 

I also don’t care if Jaxson ever replies or not.

Anyway, sigh. 
I need to get out of my head. And start my work.